He was so sloppy and all over the place, oh well

Stroke victims get hot and bothered too.

I was given a ticket by a police officer for PDA, I should take this to court, it wasn't a public display of affection; I was working.

Men can be assholes, they think all woman are after is money.
That's not true, we also like semi-precious stones.

Oh tax season.. it's times like these that make me wish I had a little deduction of my own.

Thinking about getting a boyfriend, I wouldn't mind doing some labor for free.

Any place you can kiss her, you can also bite her.

There is a fine line between the point where you attempt to fix it, and the point where you just say "fuck it"

Fortunately with my job I never have to fix anything.

Two people having sex is called a twosome.
Three people having sex is called a threesome.
Four people having sex is called a foursome.
...Well I'm going to call a lot more guys HANDsome.

He asked if I had any toys, I showed him my box of clams and chokers..etc.
Then he asked "Do you have any toys"
I showed him old reliable and he asked if we could use that.
How do you break it to a client that they play for the Fairys?

That guy was great at 70 things.
Tipping and 69.

Women get urinary-tract infections easily so guys watch (and wash) your hands.

My mom once told me I had a face for radio.
Turns out I also have the ass for porn.

I believe firmly that life is like a penis, when it gets hard people usually blow it.

This time I knew how to do it right; how to get it over with. He was on top, my legs were over his shoulders and I flexed my PC muscle as hard as I could and pulled him close by his shoulders so he couldn't bitch out. He started to slow down to recoup, but I said "Don't stop!"
He told me he didn't want to come yet, so I squeezed tighter and told him as seductively as I could "Go for it."
Then I planned out a beautiful storybook ending where we both finished happily ever after.

I made myself tighter and tighter hoping it would speed things along. It was working, but he kept pulling out and taking a pause so he could "last longer for me."
Oh great, thank goodness this is all for my benefit.

He ate me out until I lost my breath from the fake enjoyment.

I couldn't for the life of me figure out why he needed my services!
For lack of a better word, that man was 1990 Brad Pitt kind of sexy.
He was a rare piece of man meat and told me he was a Doctor! Like what the fuck?!
....but then he dropped his pants.
Looks like I'll be seeing him often.

I wish all men could measure up to the greatness the dryer has with an unbalanced load.

Good thing Sheyla Hershey isn't in my line of business.

You can usually tell a lot about a woman based on the contents of her purse.
Condoms and mini bottles of Jack; what do you make of that?

I take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

The next time someone wants me to make animal noises, instead of growling or hissing I'm going to make no noise and tell him I'm a snail.

I'm pretty sure Five Guys only hires attractive guys. Holy shit. I got wet when I walked in the door

The condom is the glass slipper of our time....oh Marla

Just imagine: a Hooker convention! We'd have to have it under ground or at least in a building without windows. I'd hate for a bunch of desperate men to smudge all the windows.

There's Mother's day, Father's day, Memorial day. I feel like there needs to be a Purchased Lover's Day. 

Every girl likes to get flowers.

The last time a guy bought me dinner was when he dropped some money in my cup, that had coffee in it.

Haha, the bank teller finally got the courage to ask me out.
He must be getting curious about my surplus of deposits.

I wish I could maximize my work time to 100%, some guys have weird fetishes that they aren't comfortable sharing with reliable sources. Anything a stripper says can't be taken seriously, like "Yeah, James likes to do girls in the ass while they brush their teeth"
 ...Sure prostitute, sure.
I feel like I would really have the monopoly on prostitution.

Damn I'm sore. I really need to invest in a pair of knee pads, you know for.....roller....skating...

Just because I hold a specific occupation does not mean I'm impervious to getting grossed out.
I get the willies every time my creepy uncle calls asking for the family discount.

I treat my mother like a mushroom when she calls, I keep her in the dark and feed her bullshit.

Sometimes the only way I can get to sleep is if I bounce a little on my mattress. I've gotten used to the creaks in the springs I suppose.

The old lady who lives above me fell asleep with her television on again. I've always wanted to knock boots to The View.

Hey kids, want to know what I did with my masters degree?
Used it to heat my home when my electricity was shut off.

Spring is around the corner, you know what that means...SPRING CLEANING!

About time too, half my closet is full of my clothes the other half is what I like to call the lost and found.

You wouldn't believe what some guys leave behind. I'm pretty sure there is a coon skin cap in there somewhere.

Little slutty hoe bag hopping through the forest, jerking off some field mice and giving lots of head.
(to the tune of Little Bunny FooFoo)

Wednesday is usually the busiest, guys like to take "Hump Day" literally.

I treat my family like Superman treat kryptonite.

I keep the regulars in my phone as a day of the week and time, for example:
Last week "Thursday 7:20" called me to confirm.

Bill Clinton was full of it, he so had sex with that woman, and that woman, and that woman, and that woman....

Ke$ha doesn't know anything, it's stupid to brush your teeth with a bottle of Jack.
You use Bailey's because it's thicker.

You can't judge a book by it's cover, unless it's Kama Sutra. That's basically what you're in for.

The drunk ones are ok, they throw up sometimes though.
The high ones are easy to convince that you've already done it, and they just pay you.
The sober ones are 50/50 either they are first timers and are worried about pleasing me or they are old dictating pros.

ugh, that yearly trip to the gyno.
"How many sexual partners have you had this past year?"
What is this 20 questions lady? How many times did you pee this past year, nosey?

"Honey I'm home"
Psh! More like "oh... you're still here?"

Most people look back and mourn over September 11th, yeah I get it.
We lost many men, women, and children.
I look back and weep over the day PornTube launched.
I lost 40% of my traffic.

When I'm with a celebrity, I like to refer to it as "love making".
Prostitutes have crushes too.

I have to admit it felt like a huge weight was being lifted off my shoulders. For a little while I was thinking maybe I was a racist. If I had a bucket list I would scratch off "Black guy".

But I don't think what they say is true, I will most certainly be going back, I don't discriminate.

Getting implants it's like starting a business, it takes a hefty financial toll at first, but after a while they pay for themselves.

Thinking of making a business card, I know exactly where to leave them.
Windshields at AA meetings.

Meet a stranger, get a condom, spend the night together, then throw it away- the condom not the stranger.

...I mean what's really more embarrassing, saying you spend your weekend looking at cats on the internet or admitting you had sex and made some money?

Young single ladies collect phone numbers.
Old single ladies collect cats.
Temporarily single ladies collect... beer cans and...condom wrappers?

My dad told me to "always be yourself, and boys will go crazy for you."
That's a lie...
I don't have a dad.

Creeper in a bar noticed my red hair and asked "Does the carpet match the drapes?"
"what carpet?"

Today a guy told me he left his wife because she made him get a vasectomy and now wanted him to have it reversed. He told her to fuck off and said he wants revenge: JACKPOT!

It doesn't take a certain type of girl to do what I do. Every girl knows how to fake it, every girl can use a little extra cash, every girl wants attention from guys, and every girl loves to sit on a guys face and wiggle. That last one was just me? Oh...okay then.

So let me get this straight... in order to get some, a guy needs to go purchase a diamond ring valued at $X.
Why don't more men use prostitutes?! It's the good parts of marriage, for a fraction of $X

Captain underpants knew what was up. He would have been a good client.

Some bitches are so up tight; I bet if they ate coal they'd shit diamonds.

People are crazy if they think I don't pay taxes,  try going in to McDonalds to get yourself a  bigmac and not paying the .07%. Shit's criminal

Most people are upset that 50 percent of marriages end in divorce, boo hoo hoo. I'm either the one that causes them, or the one that benefits from the man's failed marriage. Cha ching!

I'm thinking of branching out and opening up a phone sex line, that way during those bloody days of the month I can have some sick cash flow along with another type of sick flow.

"After taking my little one to the park, we went to the grocery store and picked up some things for dinner."
Psh! More like after I blew the guy behind the gas station, I stepped inside and got some hot pockets. Talk about convenience.

Even if you ignore the location of our meet up, which was in his car in the parking lot of a petting zoo while his two tax deductions played. It was still an entirely new experience; let's just say he had a hot dog....with a bun.

My girl Tina is always warning me about undercover cops. She must not be very good, the piggies are my best customers.

There haven't been very many, but from my experiences, Asians are all the same. Like tossing a hot dog down a hallway.

This guy was one of those guys who would never have sex, unless he had to pay for it. I didn't even need to see him, I could just tell over the phone. When I got there, my theory was correct. He was into that weird shit, you know like with animals. I told him that shit costs extra.

Once it was over, as he was buckling his belt, he asked if I enjoyed it.... "Sure dude, let's elope"

You know the economy is in the shitter when my clients start asking me if I accept food stamps.

...he actually held the door for me. For a moment I felt like one of those singing Disney bitches. I almost curtsied.

1-10-12

I winced and held my breath. Then he entered. I was full of hope for no reason. I put on my usual performance of gradual and reactive faux-pleasure. I kept thinking, ”hurry up, finish, and give me my money”